Marriage

The notion of “standing in love” resonates with me so profoundly. Standing in love is not motivated by physical attraction, rather, it is motivated by choice. Standing in love means that you cherish, value, and respect one another. Rather than being a byproduct of feelings, standing in love means that you willfully acknowledge and accept love. When you stand in love, you are still smart about love. You don’t take it for granted that the person you love so deeply will always be there to support you. You need to be capable and prepared to support yourself.

Your partner may not always be there to help support you financially, so you better have money set aside so that you can support yourself financially if need be. Your partner may not always be available to support you emotionally, so you need to be able to rely on friends, family, or a therapist for that emotional support when you need it. Furthermore, your partner may not always be available to support you in your caregiving responsibilities. Therefore, it is imperative that you find other people who can assist you when you need a much deserved break from your children and domestic duties. You should not rely on any one person to meet all of your needs because if you do, s/he will inevitably fall short of your expectations.

I became too dependent in my relationship with my spouse. I wanted my husband to meet my needs across all domains and became disappointed when he fell short of my expectations. But, those expectations are the pillars of the kind of support you would long for in a dependent relationship. And don’t get me wrong, in many ways, our relationship was co-dependent. But, that’s not healthy either. We need to stop fostering co-dependence and falling in love with each other and start standing in love so that we still maintain our individuality and our identity in the course of our relationships. Therefore,

I no longer fall in love. I stand in love.

I have been married for 15 years, and I honestly feel like it is just a ticking time bomb that is ready to explode (ok, maybe that’s a little harsh). However, with every passing year, any resentment that has existed continues to grow.

With each passing year, any anger or hostility that a couple bears continues to fester. And, with every passing year, any underlying issues, jealousy, or sadness continues to stew within the boiling cauldron of discontent.

With every year, another five, ten, or fifteen fights between a married couple gets added to the accumulating tally. And, by the time a couple is married for ten or twenty years, the accumulation of tally marks may exceed what a page can hold.

We might be able to forgive our partner for the pain and hurt and suffering that s/he caused, but we never forget. That pain, hurt, and suffering hangs over us like a cloud. And when the storm starts brewing and the clouds come in, the inevitable torrential rainstorm gets stronger with every argument.

If you can love him, but you can’t trust him, then you deserve better. If you can hear him, but he doesn’t hear you, that is not okay. If you can understand, comfort, and empathize with him, but he can’t understand, comfort, or empathize with you, then that is not good enough.

You should be able to share your passions, interests, and secrets with him, but he should also be able to share those things with you. If you find yourself in a relationship where you support his passions, dreams, and ambitions, but he can’t do the same for you, then you deserve better. If you can give him love, trust, and respect, but he can’t give those things to you, then you can do better.

Don’t feel like you owe it to anybody to stay in a relationship where you are not valued, loved, heard, cared for, understood, or happy. And you definitely don’t owe it to anyone to stay in a relationship where you are abused. If the man in your life makes fun of you, is mean to you, hurts you, or yells at you, then you deserve and can find someone that doesn’t hurt you like that. If your man emotionally or physically abuses you, then you definitely need to leave.

You need to stop making excuses and staying in a relationship where you are not happy, loved, or understood. You need to believe that being alone is not worse than being with someone who hurts you. You need to hold out hope that there is someone out there who will appreciate you for you. I guarantee you that there is someone who will love and cherish you for the person that you are.

Listen to your inner voice as if she is your best friend. I guarantee that she is telling you that you will never be able to grow as a person if someone else is always keeping you down. So please, stand up. Change is hard, but sometimes change is necessary. Please, remember that you have value, you are special and unique, and there is nobody in this world that is exactly like you.